Someone Is Listening

Well well I stand corrected. The Post Dispatch has reported two more sex crimes that I have read about. Both are male teachers having sex with teenage girls. They are making front page news as well as top stories on TV. With all due respect they are innocent until proven guilty so I hope the stories are not true. Unfortunately most of the stories turn out to be true. Let me share one thing with you. This is a true story and happened about 2 years ago. There was a man in a local community who was hard working, provided for his family, loved his wife and children and had a nice home and a good life. He had a bit of a problem with with the internet and was attracted to pornography. He was drawn into a sting much like the one in St. Louis. He agreed to meet with this girl and her motherat a local restaurant. The man drove to the restaurant, came to his senses, and without parking, drove away. The police chased him and arrested him anyway accusing him of attempted statutory rape. His face was in the paper and on the news. He lost his name, credibility, job, and his wife over the ordeal. Months later he was found NOT GUILTY and was acquitted of all charges. Whoops! Sorry about that! Too bad dude, you lost everything. Granted what was he thinking in the first place? Obviously he didn't start thinking until he got in the parking lot. I guess the moral of the story goes to my previous post that we need to have innocent until proven guilty back in our society. With 24 hour media coverage and instant access to the news, the media tries and convicts people in the court of public opinion. Thus the innocent get placed next to the guilty. There are more people getting set free today because of DNA testing. There are many innocent people in prison today. I find that frightening. A Southeast Missouri man was recently set free (see www.semissourian.com). After spending time in prison for a murder, DNA testing recently exhonerated him from the charges. He lost 14 years of his life that he will never get back. Police need to do a better job at obtaining the proper evidence to convict the guilty and stop arresting people who are only guilty of making stupid decisions. I hope these innocent people get millions in lawsuit money. They will not be able to buy back their lost years but I suspect they would gladly trade the money in to have those years returned.

Bless me Father for I Have Not Blogged

Wow its been over two weeks since I put a post in here. Forgive me. I'm Catholic so I can poke fun at the Father thing. God has a sense of humor. Ask any parent. Okay on to the point. Recently a Catholic priest was arrested in a sting operation. Allegedly the priest inquired about how much sexual favors would be with a 16 year old girl and went to meet her. Seeing that something was not kosher he reportedly turned about face and tried to leave but was arrested anyway. I get it. The fact he went there or was online looking for sex with a young girl is disturbing. I know stupid, stupid, and more stupid. HOWEVER...so much for innocent until proven guilty in this area of the country. The St. Louis Post Dispatch is trying and convicting the guy already. The rules do not seem to apply to Catholic priests. If this was a little league coach or Baptist minister it would be 3rd page news. But its a priest! It makes headlines, bold print, daily coverage of his every move. A reminder of abuses gone by. As a Catholic, this is painful to watch. My thinking is 1) I hope this not true and 2) he's a pedophile who happens to be a priest. He is not the church I know and love. He does not represent us all any more that one female teacher who abuses represents all female teachers. The Diocesan Bishops have done an excellent job of trying to educate people and make ammends to those who have been hurt by priests. Child abusers come in all sizes, shapes and religious dominations. Female teachers who coerce young boys are not treated as badly as Catholic priests. Shockingly, the victims can look like studs and heroes for getting an older woman to have sex with them. Some believe that they are actually falling in love and believe that they will spend their lives with the female offenders.
Those who seek out young kids for sexual favors have a problem and are sent to Sexual Offender treatment. This is not about sex or gratification. Its about power and control and taking power over a person smaller and weaker than you. That explains why a minister does not hire an escort for sex. Its not about sex. Maybe the power and control issues can be treated. We'll see. I tend to believe that the perpetrators walk the line to avoid prison and go through the offender programs but no real treatment is done.
For the priests who are sent into exile, who stay at special residences for offending clergy, I suppose treatment is worth a try. The fear of going to prison should be treatment enough for these people. The compulsion to offend is like a drug transaction in the street. The offender does not think of the consequences. The compulsive behavior is in control. Maybe that can be treated but I am skeptical. In the meantime remember that it happens in all religious dominations, schools, and scout camps. Sex Offenders place themselves in places where there are children ON PURPOSE. That's why they are called predators. They are searching for their next victim. Its sad that clergy are found in that category but they are. Its up to us as parents to tell our children about child abuse and teach them skills to protect themselves.

Can't Go Under It, Can't Go Over It, Gotta Go Through It.

Been a while since my last post but have had some minor writer's block. I try not to force anything to come out with my blog and want my writing to be meaningful as much as possible. In the title are words from a children's song that applies to all of us. I have discussed issues of abuse with many clients and these words ring true. The only way past the issue is throught it. Like a driving through a blinding rainstorm, it eventually passes. Addressing the abuse issues of your past will only make you better. The part that sucks is you have to go through it first and talk about all the memories associated with the abuse. Most people need to talk about it over and over. Trauma of this type can be addressed from many different angle and new insights can be learned as you progress through the the details. As a therapist I realize I am asking the client to do something he or she does not want to do. However, in my 16 years of experience, it has always helped a client feel better and at the very least, share their pain with one other person, which is a relief in itself. I have always said a cross is easier to bear when two people carry it. The same can be said for anxiety, the despair of depression, and addiction. You have to face it, gotta go through it, to recover, to improve your self worth and improve the quality of your life. No its not easy, and you cannot be successful until you are ready to tackle the tough issues. Once you do, you will thank yourself and finally get make it through the storm.

Selfishness Clarified

There are many times when we are all selfish to one degree or another. We think only of ourselves and our own needs. But before you start feeling guilty, let me put being truly selfish into perspective. I wanted to share a story I read in my church bulletin as a kid. It must have had a profound effect on me because I have not forgotten it. The story is not word for word except the important key points: There was a rich woman who had everything she ever wanted and then some. She was consumed with her own wealth and comfort and never did anything to help a single person with all that she had to share. One night the doorbell rang. She went to the door to find a beggar standing outside in the cold. She looked at the beggar in disgust wondering what she wanted. The beggar pleaded for anything she had to eat. She was willing to take any scrap she could give her. The rich woman looked at her in disgust as if she was being inconvenienced and said "here, you can have this onion" and sent to the woman away. Years later the rich woman died and found herself in hell. She began complaining and yelling to St. Peter "there has been a terrible mistake, I don't belong here, you gotta get me out of here!" St. Peter informed her that she had been a wealthy woman and had done nothing to help the poor. "Name one thing you did to feed the poor" he told the lady. Thinking back she said "Hey I once gave an onion to a beggar who knocked on my door." St. Peter said "you are correct, I had forgotten about that, maybe we have made a mistake." So Peter grabbed a large onion from Heaven and dropped it into hell and told the lady "here!.. grab onto this onion and I will pull you up!" The woman looking pompous and proud grabbed the onion and St. Peter began to pull her up. As she was being pulled toward Heaven she noticed two people grabbing onto her, and then two more grabbed onto them and two more grabbed onto them. The woman yelled loudly "hey get off!.. this is MY onion!" to which St. Peter let go of the onion and all fell back into the flames. Can you find the moral to this story? I think this is a profound explanation of what a truly selfish person acts like and one who totally disregards the needs and feelings of others. Just thought I would share that today. God Bless!

Coping with Anxiety

People who suffer from chronic anxiety often experience feeling completely normal one minute to totally crazy the next. Paradoxically the only way to get through the anxiety is to allow oneself to feel it in all its intensity. Anxiety goes away eventually. Its like a hurricane. Its intense, frightening, and ominous but it will eventually pass. As a therapist I encourage people to do the one thing they usually don't want to do. Go through it. Dont avoid it. Avoiding makes it worse by creating more anxiety. It takes a lot of energy to avoid the inevitable. It is better to say to oneself, "I can handle this" rather than "what if I become anxious?" Going through it means to answer the "what ifs?" If I become anxious here's my plan I will.. and list some things you can do to help yourself ride out the storm. Call a friend, go to be with family or supportive people, exercise, watch a movie with your kids, play a meditation tape, or pray. Give yourself a list of things to do. Make a set of notecards with things that have helped in the past. There is no need to suffer. Anxiety is a real disorder and can be treated. Seek professional help with someone who truly understands and will not judge you. Often it is a way a person thinks that makes them anxious to begin with. Crazy thoughts do not make crazy people, yet you may feel that if you tell anyone your anxiety producing thoughts you will be locked up in the psych ward. The simple truth is everyone feels anxious and at times it is actually good to feel some anxiety. When it starts to feel unreasonable or you start to feel like its beyond your control, and you have tried everything you know to make it better, then it can become disabling. It is time to get help when it's that intense. Talk to you doctor about medicines that could help. Recent research suggests that 90% of people with anxiety and or depression get better with a combination of medication and therapy. That's a pretty good statistic and one that should provide a lot of hope to those who suffer from chronic anxiety.

Love is a Many Splintered Thing

Ah love and romance! One day your staying up all night talking on the phone and cannot get enough of each other's company and the next your trying to decide if you are really in love or not. It can be an overwhelming high, an emotional thrill ride. Love knows no rationale thought or even behavior at times. It is its own unique set of emotions than can encompass everything from love of your child, which differs from your parents, which differs from your siblings. Then there is the romantic love that feels intoxicating. You fell like your in a whirlwind and this person is the one you have been looking for your entire life. There is a "this is the one!" thinking and happily ever after, a feeling that we can get through anything if we just love each other. Love is so much more. It is staying with that person when they are at their worst. It is making it through the ups and downs, sickness and health and all the other vows that are so meaningful. Most people who marry do not really understand what they are saying to each other when the vows are said. These are not just marriage vows but things couples say to each other during those times of intoxicating love. "I'll never leave you, we will always be together, I will always be faithful to you." These are just some of the things that couples say to each other. These days it behooves a person to step back and let logic take over by thinking to yourself "that sounds good but I am going to give this some time before I jump in with both feet and allow myself to risk it all." Some people toss love out when the excitement is over. Once the intoxication is gone and its just you and that other person, be sure you love and accept THAT person with all their faults, irritating behaviors, and other issues that we all have. The saying goes "I like you because"..."I love you although." For example Adult Children of Alcoholics have the most difficult time with love because they often find themselves unlovable. The reason being is that this is the message they have heard during their entire childhood. Abuse victims are the same way. She (or he) may feel that she is unlovable to treated so badly. Love is an extremely complex and confusing emotion for everyone. For example: "I love her, I'm just not in love with her" is about as complex as it gets. Both statements can be true. To love means to act in a caring, understanding way and be available for that person when help is needed. To be in love means to risk it all, intoxicating or not. Understanding what real love is the key to a long lasting and satisfying relationship whether its friendship or romantic love.

Proof that Biases are Learned

My kids continued to amaze me. The other day, my 9 year old is outside hanging out and a neighbor kids rides up on his bike and the two begin talking. Not 10 minutes later, my son says "this is Nathan he's my friend." No challenge to who he was, no care as to what his parents did or where he went to school. No consideration for what he was wearing, or what kind of bike he was riding. "He's my friend" no conditions, no issues with the fact that they had just met. How can he be a "friend" already? Adults cannot do this very well. Hopefully most kids do not have the biases programmed into them that adults do. Biases such as what family they came from, what job they have, and how they take care of their children are all biases that adults carry. Adults decide who they want their kids to hang out with based on whether they approve of the person or not. Realistically its for their own protection as adults have more world experience to turn to. We have to decide if so and so is our "'friend" when get to know them better ( and have them screened appropriately with an FBI background check). But in the eyes of a child, its different. They are carefree and accepting of other kids and someone they have just met quickly becomes a friend. The biases and prejudices kids develop as they grow older are all learned behaviors. They are messages that are programmed into their brains by the adults in their lives. Who is okay and who is not okay is learned as well as where it is safe to play and where it is not safe to play. I agree some of this is necessary. Kids have to be taught boundaries and safety issues. However, for that brief moment in the eyes of a child, the innocence that the world is safe, and no one is the judge, we can learn something from our kids. Wouldn't be nice if adults could be more child like and accepting of one another?