Love is a Many Splintered Thing

Ah love and romance! One day your staying up all night talking on the phone and cannot get enough of each other's company and the next your trying to decide if you are really in love or not. It can be an overwhelming high, an emotional thrill ride. Love knows no rationale thought or even behavior at times. It is its own unique set of emotions than can encompass everything from love of your child, which differs from your parents, which differs from your siblings. Then there is the romantic love that feels intoxicating. You fell like your in a whirlwind and this person is the one you have been looking for your entire life. There is a "this is the one!" thinking and happily ever after, a feeling that we can get through anything if we just love each other. Love is so much more. It is staying with that person when they are at their worst. It is making it through the ups and downs, sickness and health and all the other vows that are so meaningful. Most people who marry do not really understand what they are saying to each other when the vows are said. These are not just marriage vows but things couples say to each other during those times of intoxicating love. "I'll never leave you, we will always be together, I will always be faithful to you." These are just some of the things that couples say to each other. These days it behooves a person to step back and let logic take over by thinking to yourself "that sounds good but I am going to give this some time before I jump in with both feet and allow myself to risk it all." Some people toss love out when the excitement is over. Once the intoxication is gone and its just you and that other person, be sure you love and accept THAT person with all their faults, irritating behaviors, and other issues that we all have. The saying goes "I like you because"..."I love you although." For example Adult Children of Alcoholics have the most difficult time with love because they often find themselves unlovable. The reason being is that this is the message they have heard during their entire childhood. Abuse victims are the same way. She (or he) may feel that she is unlovable to treated so badly. Love is an extremely complex and confusing emotion for everyone. For example: "I love her, I'm just not in love with her" is about as complex as it gets. Both statements can be true. To love means to act in a caring, understanding way and be available for that person when help is needed. To be in love means to risk it all, intoxicating or not. Understanding what real love is the key to a long lasting and satisfying relationship whether its friendship or romantic love.

Proof that Biases are Learned

My kids continued to amaze me. The other day, my 9 year old is outside hanging out and a neighbor kids rides up on his bike and the two begin talking. Not 10 minutes later, my son says "this is Nathan he's my friend." No challenge to who he was, no care as to what his parents did or where he went to school. No consideration for what he was wearing, or what kind of bike he was riding. "He's my friend" no conditions, no issues with the fact that they had just met. How can he be a "friend" already? Adults cannot do this very well. Hopefully most kids do not have the biases programmed into them that adults do. Biases such as what family they came from, what job they have, and how they take care of their children are all biases that adults carry. Adults decide who they want their kids to hang out with based on whether they approve of the person or not. Realistically its for their own protection as adults have more world experience to turn to. We have to decide if so and so is our "'friend" when get to know them better ( and have them screened appropriately with an FBI background check). But in the eyes of a child, its different. They are carefree and accepting of other kids and someone they have just met quickly becomes a friend. The biases and prejudices kids develop as they grow older are all learned behaviors. They are messages that are programmed into their brains by the adults in their lives. Who is okay and who is not okay is learned as well as where it is safe to play and where it is not safe to play. I agree some of this is necessary. Kids have to be taught boundaries and safety issues. However, for that brief moment in the eyes of a child, the innocence that the world is safe, and no one is the judge, we can learn something from our kids. Wouldn't be nice if adults could be more child like and accepting of one another?

Just Going to Complain Today

This is the great thing about writing for enjoyment. You can prettty much blog about anything you want. So...today I just feel like complaining. First, to all you news reporters and bald anchors who want to tell us how terrible the heat is: ITS JUNE!!! Oh my God! its...its hot and it could get 95 degrees today. Yeah AND...They go on and on with various reports from around the city about how hot it is in June. This is news?? Stop with all of this nuclear winter, worlds going to end news about the heat. Its supposed to be hot in June. Oh "and it looks like the heat will continue" (uhh.. yeah probably till September or so.) Geeesh!! Secondly, you wusses playing college baseball using your wimpy aluminum bats. I can't stand watching this game listening to these Clink and Clank sounds of my favorite game. If I was a pro scout the kid that walked out of the dugout with a Louisville Slugger wooden bat would be the first person I look at to sign. You're all cream puffs.. Pick up a piece of wood like a man and play ball. Its crack of the bat not clink! I used to like tennis now thanks to womens tennis and all of their grunting like they are in child birth, its impossible to watch and enjoy the game. Next..Nancy Grace..enough about tot mom get over it! Its people like you that make cruel/terrible people famous and get rich off book deals and TV movies ( and do something with that hair!) Mark McGwire, my family loves ya dude, stand up and admit you were a user and we can move on. Kobe Bryant... sit down now your season is over, yes your great blah blah blah, but your not Michael Jordan or Dr J. Impress me by being faithful to your wife. OK whose next? (This feels pretty good.) Brett Favre please go away enough already! Your time is over. Go coach or something if you still love the game. Joe Buck.. out of all the celebrities that are great and funny you had ARTIE LANGE on your very first show?? What were you guys thinking? PETA PETA PETA I get it. I love animals too but its a FLY!! Are you serious?? It was bothering our President. This is just your attempt to further your own agenda and draw national attention to your group. You dont really care about the well being of flies. Where were you when Mr Miaggi and Danielson were catching them with chopsticks? Oh.. stunt flies... my bad. Kim Jong IL of North Korea.. keep it up dude...keep pushing the U.S. Better yet join PETA. Man I'm in the right business. I gotta go.. thanks for listening.

Walmart Cause Complexes

The great psychoanalyst Carl Jung describes a complex as a "knot of unconscious feelings and beliefs, detectable indirectly, through behavior that is puzzling or hard to account for" (wikipedia) and a set of unconscious beliefs in the psyche related to an archtype. The archetype refers to somehting that people experience at one time or another. It may cause significant anxiety and stress in an otherwise easy-going personality as the person wonders why he or she is getting so upset over something so mundane or trivial. Take for instance, Wal Mart. You set out for a pleasant shopping trip to get a few things, maybe hoping to find a bargain and a feeling of irritability, frustration and anxiety creeps up on you. Maybe its the kid screaming down the aisle, or the parent telling the kids to "shut up." Maybe its the person who cannot seem to get out of the way. Maybe its the person who has not discovered debit cards and still writes checks only to find out its automatically withdrawn anyway. It could be the person in the 20 items or less aisle with 30 items. These are just a few examples. Feel free to share your own. Is it any wonder why something as trivial as Walmart can cause such complexes? Personally I think the flourescent lighting predisposes all of us to anxious feelings. As you look up the eyes get a blurry feel, like something does not quite feel right. The items you need "are way over there" and so you have to get out your hiking gear to make the trek to get shampoo. Need milk? better send a flare up to let people know where you are. Hopefully your cell phone has a GPS built into it. You might need it to locate your teenager or if your in the bathroom. Well.. so much for a fun shopping trip. But hey "I got this for 50% off."

Faith in God is Impressive

I had the opportunity to play at a Christian Camp for a group of kids in a youth group. There were about 100 kids or so there. I love playing music, but to see these kids and to witness to their faith was an inspiration. They clapped, sang along, and seemed very excited to be a part of this experience. There is something special about this group of kids. A few months ago they lost their pastor who was killed when a man walked into the middle of their regular Sunday service, pulled out a gun and shot him. The youth minister told me that the congregation was doing as well as they could be under the circumstances. The kids seemed happy and seemed to enjoy the music. I felt lucky to be a part of it. If these kids are our future then our future is in good hand. Like some of my clients, who have next to nothing, their faith amazed me. Many of my clients credit God with getting them through day to day, or they state that it is their faith in God that gets them through a particular problem. I merely stand in awe.

Storms Create Appropriate Fears

Driving my son home from Day Camp we hear the sound one never gets used to. The city tornado warning sirens. Its a frightening, ominous sound. A wale that sends shivers down the spine. He began to get scared. I reassured him it was going to be okay and that I would keep him safe. Being fascinated with tornadoes I watched the sky. Nothing near us that I could see. The sirens continued. I hurried home with him more concerned about hail on my new car. He then asked me "you never get used to it either?" I told him that is a sound that frightens me too. I love to watch storms roll in, but that siren is one of a kind. A sound that one never gets used to hearing even though in the midwest we hear them all time. Too me there is no other sound like it. No other sound can evoke such strong spontaneous emotions. He seemed relieved that his fear was "normal" and that his father also feels afraid sometimes. This fear is what I call reasonable or appropriate fear. It is a fear that motivates, prepares, and alerts. It says "protect yourself and those you love." Forget the stuff, who cares about the new furniture? Time to move and take cover. Its supposed too. Thats what the warning is for. You should be afraid. You should feel fear; its a normal reaction to an appropriate fear inducing event. Similar fears would be a notice that your house is being foreclosed on, or that lay off notice from your company. Feel afraid? I would too. The kids won't fear these particular things but grown ups do. Its okay to communicate that you feel afraid to your child. Add to that a plan of action. Reassure the child that it is your job to protect them and that you will keep them safe at all times. This will alleviate anxiety but don't expect the reasonable fear to go away until the storm passes. In addition reassure the child that the storm always passes, the skies will clear it will be better. Sounds like a metaphor for life in general doesn't it?

Pain is a Part of Growth

Life can sure deal us some painful situations. Relationships end, kids grow up and leave the nest, job s disappear, and the list goes on. Pain is inevitable. Its going to happen. The Buddhists have an interesting teaching on emotional pain. They teach that emotional pain is an opportunity to grow. "Because I feel pain, I know that I am alive" is one of the teachings. To truly feel that hurt is important because it presents an opportunity to gain strength and self esteem. There is a sense that you have been through painful experiences and survived them all. In therapy I talk to to clients about re-thinking their pain as a chance to become strong. After all, if your depressed, you must know what it is like to be happy. If you have been happy in the past, you will be again. The problem as I see it is people are inpatient with their hurtful experiences. I can understand that they want them over quickly, and get past it but in reality it takes time to heal. The healing can be a time of reflection when you allow yourself time to learn from the hurtand allow yourself to feel it. This will enable you to have a sense of strength and find the ability and confidence that you can overcome hurtful times whenever they arise.

Not Easy Being the Dude

Women have challenges that no self respecting man could cope with. Childbirth? Uh..no Being left to care for a child alone? Some of us could do that. Most men would agree I suppose. Okay the point....Being a guy has challenges that I believe women are not aware of. First, we are supposed to be tough or strong and if we come across that way we are called unemotional and unable to really relate to a woman. Paradoxically, if we should show true emotion, and depth of insecurity then we need to "be a man!" If she's truly afraid we want to protect and reassure. If men truly fear we are supposed to "grow a pair." Is it no wonder why the man is not talking? If a man is being physically abused by a female spouse or lover? He's not talking, first, he thinks, who will believe me and second, can't let the guys know this. How can a man possibly share his most intimate ideas, insecurities and fears if it is met with "oh just be a man!" You see we are trying to be. No we are not all Bob Vila and we all cannot fix things. Some of us are sensitive, nurturing and passionate. Some of us have more "mothering instincts" than women do. What would most women think if a man said "I think I am going to stay home and take care of the children."? It is difficult to communicate hurt, fear and insecurity. Thats not a language most men learn. Furthermore men risk rejection and feel pressure when we make the decision to call a woman for a date, or try to decide where to go out. We often hear, "whatever you decide is fine" not really knowing if that is true or if it is going to be used later as a defense or be labeled as uncaring. Men usually approach women for that first dance, or that first kiss. We are constantly risking rejection, or worse, being categorized as Neanderthals that are only out to satisfy our libido. Believe it or not most men want to satisfy their woman's libido too. So when you hear your female friends say "you men have it easy" most of us would say "your probably right" but at times its not so easy being the guy.